It's Disease Time!

…….

I’m sorry that I’m not you.

I’m especially sorry that I’m not as emotionally dead as you are. At this point, I feel like I’m lower than you are on the emotional scale due to the dead feeling I have inside.

I’m starting to feel almost next to nothing for you, except possible growing feelings of hate mixed with love. Every time I think of you now, all I want to do is punch  you in your face and scream and yell at you, because you can’t shut up and listen and understand what I’m trying to tell you. Every time I keep trying to tell you something, you keep interrupting me and you scream and yell at me. I can’t deal with it anymore.

And then, it’s like a see saw thing with you. One moment you’re like, I’ll try, and then you do it for a little while, and then revert back. And then you push yourself away from me. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde with you.

What the fuck is your problem???

Personally, I’m starting to feel like you’re afraid of being emotionally invested in a relationship, because you’re afraid that I’m going to stomp on your feelings and take advantage of them.

It’s like, I’ve told you before, I’m not here to hurt you.

And your dad is no excuse for your behavior. You are NOT your dad. You are your own person, and you’re better than that. I can honestly say that, because I see it in you.

You say you’re patient, but this isn’t proving it.

I’m sorry that I put my all into this, and then when I ask you for simple shit, you get mad, but you expect me do everything without any problems.

To be honest, I feel unappreciated, and I feel like you’re being selfish.

I ask you to open up to me, because I feel like it’s so one-sided with you having me to open up to you all the time. You’re not my therapist. You know I’m here to listen.

Do you not trust me?

I love you. Don’t you see that?

You’re fucking breaking my heart here. Literally.

I’m tired of arguing with you.

I’m tired of you acting nonchalant about shit. As if your actions don’t affect  me. As if you have nothing to do with why I’m in so much emotional pain.

I said from the jump I’m okay with the couples’ counseling. Fine. I want to do it, because I want this relationship to work.

I don’t know what your deal is.

It’s like, you’ve been like this since last month.

Just because you’re going to the Marines doesn’t mean that you have to push me away.

If you don’t love me anymore or don’t want to be with me anymore, let me know so that we can both move on.

You used to be so understanding when we first were together. What happened? It’s like, if you don’t care about me anymore, let me know.

If you’re interested in someone else, let me know, so we can move on. I’m fucking trying here.

I don’t know what’s up with you. I don’t know what’s running through your mind, because you don’t ever tell me anything. I feel so left out.

But okay.

For right now, I’ll leave you alone and get a life, since I’m just one of those “fucking people.”

I don’t have it in me to fight with you anymore.

I wish you could see that it’s something you’re doing that’s affecting me.

And I wish you would fix it.

You’re hurting the shit out of me emotionally.

I thought a relationship was built on: trust, communication, compromise, listening, understanding, empathy, patience, support, equality and of course, love.

And you know what kills me the most?

You’re so negative and self-depreciating. I wish you’d stop. It’s not going to help either one of us.

All I want to know is why are you acting like this?

And P.S., putting on one face for the public to see when you’re with me, and then another one in private with me is not attractive.

You’re breaking my fucking heart here. Literally.

This shit is going to be the death of me.

“I can’t make my own decisions

Or make any with precision

Well, maybe you should tie me up

So I don’t go where you don’t want me

You say that I’ve been changing

That I’m not just simply aging

Yeah, how could that be logical?

Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don’t have to believe me

But the way I, way I see it

Next time you point a finger

I might have to bend it back

Or break it, break it off

Next time you point a finger

I’ll point you to the mirror

If God’s the game that you’re playing

Well, we must get more acquainted

Because it has to be so lonely

To be the only one who’s holy

It’s just my humble opinion

But it’s one that I believe in

You don’t deserve a point of view

If the only thing you see is you

You don’t have to believe me

But the way I, way I see it

Next time you point a finger

I might have to bend it back

Or break it, break it off

Next time you point a finger

I’ll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance (I’ll point you to the mirror)

I’m half as good as it gets (I’ll point you to the mirror)

I’m on both sides of the fence (I’ll point you to the mirror)

Without a hint of regret

I’ll hold you to it

I know you don’t believe me

But the way I, way I see it

Next time you point a finger

I might have to bend it back

Or break it, break it off

Next time you point a finger

I’ll point you to the mirror

I know you won’t believe me

But the way I, way I see it

Next time you point a finger

I might have to bend it back

Then break it, break it off

Next time you point a finger

I’ll point you to the mirror..”

At this point, I’ve been busy with finals and the end of the semester.

So, I haven’t been able to post.

I know a lot of people don’t read this blog, or follow it, so I’m thinking about shutting it down. And this includes the other one @ anangrytustudent11.tumblr.com

Not like it matters, because I know that no one reads this shit anyway.

Peace.

Okay, so I’ll be making another post soon.

Any ideas?

In the interim, be sure to follow me on anangrytustudent11.tumblr.com

Thanks!!

<3 Blaize

I’m currently trying to take care of a couple of things, namely school and personal matters. That, and it doesn’t help that I just came back from spring break in NY. So, I may be posting once a month, or so. Time permitting.

Anyway, here’s the next disorder/disease:

PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

It occurs in every 5-10% of women and can be confused for other disorders, such as:

1. hypo/hyperthyroidism
2. lymph node problems

PCOS can actually lead to heart problems, high cholesterol, and ultimately Type 2 Diabetes.

The symptoms of PCOS are:

1. Facial hair growth (usually thick and dark)
2. Male pattern baldness
3. Inability to lose weight or keep it off
4. Depression
5. Irregular or missed periods
6. and of course: Ovarian Cysts

The long term effects:

1. miscarriages (if trying for babies)
2. cholesterol problems
3. heart problems (I have a heart murmur and asthma, so yeah, more intense)
4. Type 2 Diabetes
5. Insulin rejection

In my case, there is a very high chance that I may have this due to the extensive procedures I went through. As of late, I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I have it.

Anyway, I took tests for:

1. my thyroid—

to test for hyperthyroidism (producing too little TSH—weight loss) and hypothyroidism (producing too much TSH—weight gain). TSH stands for Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, which controls your weight and also certain interactions with your Nervous System.

2. my pituitary gland—

this also controls weight and also helps to regulate your periods. The test that I took for this was a Prolactin test, which is a hormone that helps produce female hormones in conjunction with TSH.

3. a cholesterol test—to see if I have too many bad (LDL’s) or good (HDL’s) cholesterol in my body. By doing so, this can see if I’m going to run into complications with my heart.

4. standard check up—just to see if my body is in order. I had to fast for this test, but it’s fine, because they need to see my body in optimal order.  

5. Glucose testing—this is to make sure that my insulin levels aren’t affected. If if I test negative and pass, it still means that I could still have some insulin deficiency down the line.

So, as you can see, I went through some insane testing.

The more expensive route is to get a sonogram done. They run you about $300 or more. The only difference is that it’s not as accurate as the blood tests. This due to cysts popping up whenever the hell they feel like it.

Especially when it becomes that time during the menses phase, or nearing it. Because of this, they’re hard to spot at an accurate time and place.

There certain things that can be done although PCOS does not have a cure:

1. Get them surgically removed. (which I am totally against because you can end up with scars that make the situation worse)
2. Take birth control. (which I am also against because of my personal experience. Apparently, my body has a bad habit of rejecting medication.)
3. Take natural measures. (which I will discuss later)
4. Diet and exercise. (And I know when people with PCOS hear this, they just laugh in the doctor’s face. I don’t blame you)
5. Change of diet. This means foods that are in the low glycemic index. Foods such as low carb (ex. brown rice, beans, whole wheat) and lean fat foods (ex. poultry and fish—especially tilapia) can help.

Natural Measures

The natural measures that I speak of are taking supplements such as echinacea, milk thistle and possibly chromium.

As of current, I am taking milk thistle, echinacea, as well as multivitamins in order to maintain the weight I have lost during my weight loss transition.

• Milk thistle helps the liver and helps the body produce estrogen. It also works in conjunction with echinacea in order to help rid the body of unnatural cells or growths in the body.
• Echinacea helps with increasing your white blood cell (WBC) count, as well as purging toxins from your body. It also targets specifically abnormal cell growths, while boosting the immune system. ^_^
• Chromium helps with hunger pangs. I personally am not taking it, but I have read enough in order to know what it does in regards to PCOS.

• Also, don’t forget your

They’re very important in regards to your health and PCOS. Omegas 3, 6, 9 have essential fatty acids which help lubricate, tone and target fat in your body. If you have a lack of them, a slew of problems can happen.

Here are some useful links:

Info on Milk Thistle: http://www.skyeherbals.com/materia_medica/milk_thistle.php

Info on Echinacea: http://www.kcweb.com/herb/echin.htm

Info on PCOS: http://www.soulcysters.com/weight_loss.html

This is where I get my echinacea and milk thistle: http://www.swansonvitamins.com/

Here’s where I get my multivitamins from: http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2882887 (this is not the exact product)

Here’s a pic of what I get personally:

I hope this helps.

If anyone has any ideas for what diseases/disorders I should cover, please let me know. ^_^

OH HELLO! WAIT! YEAH! I’M TALKING TO YOU!

DISCLAIMER!

YEAH! I SAID IT!

I DO NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM PROMOTING THESE COMPANIES. I SIMPLY BUY PRODUCTS FROM THEM THAT ACTUALLY WORK FOR ME AND ME ONLY. SO, IN OTHER WORDS, I AM NOT GETTING PAID TO PROMOTE THEM.

Also, totally forgot to mention that PCOS has a higher chance of being inherited genetically if a female—namely the mother—has it. Unfortunately, I have that tripled since my grandmother and my mother both had/have cysts, therefore making it a very high chance of me getting it. :(

PCOS is also rumored to have some connections with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) because of the cysts found on the ovaries. Keep in mind that just because you may have cysts, doesn’t make you polycystic. Not all ovaries that have cysts are like that.

More sites:

PCOS Diva: http://www.pcosdiva.com/ (I love her site. It’s actually pretty cool and informative)

Adios! ^_^

So, a few of you may be wondering, ‘What is PMDD?’

Let’s just say for now, it’s PMS’ evil twin or half.

PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

As my doctor once said to me when she -finally- diagnosed me, ‘It’s PMS on steroids.’

Yes, I have PMDD.

Here are the symptoms:

• paranoia
• anxiety/anxiety attacks (i.e. panic attacks)
• uncontrollable impulses/urges (almost like Tourette’s Syndrome) to lash out at people

• disturbances and interferences with relationships with mainly spouses and family members, or those close to you
• depression (to the point where it interferes with your life: i.e. school, work, socialization, etc.)
• mood swings
• feeling at war with yourself (like Jekyll and Hyde)
• low/poor self-image
• crying spells/crying at random things (i.e. a pencil dropping on the floor, or crying about a pizza that is made out of gyros)
• nervousness
• weight gain (i.e. bloating, water weight gain) with a possible chance of gaining 5-10 lbs in water weight alone (in others, it might be different. It varies person to person)
• cravings for sweet or salty food (i.e. chocolate or shrimp—in my case)
• aversion to alcohol
• acne
• suicidal ideation
• paranoia as to whether or not spouse is cheating on you or whether or not you two should break up
• intense rage/tantrums/fits (i.e. throwing items)
• on ‘edge’ feeling
• possible cramps (I don’t get cramps, which I will explain in a later blog)
• binge eating/starving self due to lack of hunger pangs
• breast swelling & tenderness (or either or)
• feeling bloated
• problems sleeping (hypersomnia—too much sleep or insomnia—too little sleep) which causes changes in sleep patterns
• more aggressive

• splitting headaches (and not those ‘OMG, I have a headache!’ when it’s a migraine. There is a difference.) to the point where Tylenol only lessens it and not get rid of it

• Super sensitive to comments or remarks. Like, they’re taken personally—all the time—especially rejection and criticism
• Joint pain
• ‘Fullness’ in the face
• Marked periods of anger in which it has to be brought to the woman’s attention because she is unaware of it (interference with social interactions)
• Usually anger is directed to close male spouses or relatives

Causes and Background History:

PMDD occurs in 3-8% of women that are of reproductive age, but mainly in women aged 18 until about their mid 30’s.

There is no known reason as to why it happens, but there are some theories:

1. It is possible that due to a lack of B6, which is important for mood and impulse, causes PMDD.
2. People who have anxiety or mood disorders, such as depression or paranoia, are at higher risk for getting PMDD.
3. There is a possible chance that this disorder is connected to PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome—which I will discuss in my next blog), in which the normal functions of the menstrual flow (i.e. mood, cravings, etc.) are enhanced.
4. It also may happen due to a lack of fatty acids, such as Omegas 3,6 and 9, in which the body needs in order to not only ‘lubricate the system,’ but to keep certain things, such as weight, and processing fat, down. These fatty acids also help in regards to lowering cholesterol.

Also, this is classified in the DSM-IV manual as a ‘disease that needs further study.’ It was first recognized in the 1920’s-1930’s, but not acknowledged by the Psychology/Psychiatric Board until 2004.

This disorder is looked down upon in the medical field, and therefore not taken seriously by doctors. It is suggested to go to an OBGYN (Obstetrician Gynecologist) that has more knowledge in this field, since they are trained to do so.

What happens?:

With PMDD, the symptoms can start from anywhere to 5 days (late luteal phase)-2.5 (early onset/luteal phase) weeks before a woman’s period. It is emotionally based, as opposed to PMS, which is more physically based. The emotional symptoms are less intense in PMS individuals as opposed to PMDD individuals.

Unfortunately for me, my fiance has to put up with this for 2.5 weeks, where I only get a rest period of 1.5 weeks. It becomes draining after a while. And mind you, he has put up with this for almost 2 years before I was officially diagnosed.

I’m pretty much the angrier version of the She Hulk or a depressed emo kid on some days. Now, when I mention ‘depression,’ it is no ordinary one. This ‘depression’ is something that has no reason. Unfortunately, it is unexplainable unlike actual depression. Because of this, it makes explaining it even more harder.

Remedies:

Most doctors will prescribe anti-depressants or SSRI’s (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors) in order to alleviate the depression symptoms in PMDD.

Personally, I do not take SSRI’s due to other, personal medical issues, which I will blog about here later, but they are recommended to take.

Please do your research on SSRI’s, as in the long term, they can be dangerous to your health

Other alternatives, (if you’re into the natural stuff—like me) is exercise. When you exercise, your body produces hormones and chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin (feel good chemicals) in order to have your body level out. Also it’s good for alleviating weight problems and the bloating problems.

Also, drink tea, such as peppermint. It’ll help you sleep and relax. It tastes good, too! :)

Additionally, if you have the severe depression, like I do, to the point where you can’t get out of bed, and you have to do something (i.e. school, work, gym, etc.) you can do one of three things:

1. Pretend that you’re on a beach and sipping your favorite drink.

2. Meditate/Take up Yoga

3. Hell, play video games.

What I don’t suggest is:

DON’T EAT CHOCOLATE!

I know it sounds weird, but bear with me.

When you eat chocolate (not white), you excite your system more, which aggravates it if you have PMDD. When that happens, the emotional symptoms become more enhanced.

Yes, I do encourage you to indulge in your cravings, but be careful. It’s a lot of sugar, and can aggravate you. If you don’t believe me, try it.

Advice:

Men: If you know your woman is PMDDing, try not to take it personally. It’s really hard to control the emotional bit. It’s almost like fighting another person. Literally.

My best piece of advice is patience, if you really love and care for your woman.

Also, if she wants a hug, give her one. Hugs make the world go round and help ease the pain, believe it or not. It makes the pain feel lessened.

If you feel overwhelmed, which I could understand, take a walk or do something to alleviate the stress (it is time consuming and draining—and this is a hard thing to deal with), but don’t make it seem like you’re abandoning her. She will probably take it personally and may even over react.

Also, if a woman lays her hands on you, and she does not have PMDD, she has no excuse. It’s not that bad and she’s using that as an excuse to abuse you. But, this does not mean that I condone PMDD women to hit their men and get away with it either. I understand that PMDD makes women very impulsive and very intense, in which in turn, makes it hard for them to keep their emotions in check, but physical abuse or violence is no excuse.

And if she does use that as an excuse to hit you: LEAVE.

As a side note: My PMDD isn’t that bad to the point where I do that, but I have heard some horrible horror stories and even seen them in action. It’s truly terrifying for me to watch a man get beat the hell up by some girl (not a woman). :/

I don’t care how sick you are: YOU DO NOT LAY YOUR HANDS ON ANYONE! EVER.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Here are some useful links below.

Oh, and by the way, I typed most of this from my phone, so if there are mistakes and I didn’t catch them, sorry. And also, I am typing from experience and from what I read. Let me know. ^_^

Links:

This site talks about how PMDD is misunderstood in the medical community and society itself: http://www.womentowomen.com/understandyourbody/symptoms/pmspmdd.aspx?id=1&campaignno=pms&adgroup=ag2pmdd&keywords=pmdd

Disclaimer: I hate using wikipedia, but I use it as a starting point for its links. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder

Just a general overview site: http://www.pmdd.factsforhealth.org/

Here is the link from Yale’s site, which I was surprised about: http://www.yalemedicalgroup.org/stw/Page.asp?PageID=STW023227

Here is the site from the NIH (National Institute of Health):www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004461

Hope these help! ^_^

P.S. Here’s the original link/posting I did with the comments: http://raven518.blogspot.com/2011/02/diseasedisorder-1-pmdd.html